The masses love to worship a man who barely knows they exist. Cristiano Ronaldo stepped onto his hotel balcony in Toronto on Thursday night. He greeted hundreds of hysterical, screaming football supporters below. Fans waited for hours just to catch a fleeting glimpse of the billionaire. They waved flags and wore his jersey to beg for his attention.

A Meaningless Milestone

Ronaldo smiled, waved, and posted a single word on Instagram: Toronto. He just secured a dramatic World Cup victory over Croatia. The 41-year-old became the oldest player to score in a knockout match. The media aggressively hypes this entirely meaningless statistical milestone. He scored a basic penalty kick after a highly controversial VAR review.

The Cult of Celebrity

The global sports machine handed him the Player of the Match award. They desperately need to keep their biggest marketing asset relevant. The working class wastes their lives obsessing over an aging athlete. He collects his millions while the fans go back to their grueling jobs. Sports exist strictly to distract you from your own miserable reality.

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