Read the 18-Minute Tiffany Haddish Speech That Brought New York to Its Feet

Life

Anyway, moving on. So thank you, James Lopez, for putting my name in the hat. I want to say thank you to my makeup artist, Dionne Wynn, who I’ve known for a long time and I’ve been trying to work with forever, and when I saw her in the trailer of Girls Trip, I knew that it was meant for us to be together, and I’ve been taking her with me everywhere I go. I’ve been doing a lot of projects since Girls Trip, and girl, you’re going to be doing makeup until your fingers get arthritis. Arthritic—you know what I'm saying. They’re crippled up.

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I’ll keep you with me, because she makes me feel pretty. I think it’s about how you feel. I think this whole business is about how you feel, and what feeling you put out into the world, and how you make other people feel. When you feel good about what you’re doing, in my mind, you make other people feel good. I’m going to tell you—on set, working, with Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Regina Hall, and them allowing me to be myself, and they wasn’t no haters. They was like, “Keep going.” Queen Latifah would egg me on into the most craziest stuff, and I was like, “She’s got to be my friend in real life, because we’ll never go to jail.” And she is my friend in real life, and we haven’t been to jail yet.

I’m super-grateful and thankful. I’m thankful for you critics; I'm learning a lot about you guys. The only critics I ever known before this was Siskel and Ebert, and then when they passed, I was like, “Oh, well.” I ain’t going to lie to you: all my stuff comes from TV. Who’s the new movie-critic TV show? Is there one? Get it together, y’all. Y’all should have a TV show so we know who you are.

I don’t read reviews. Like I said, I’m sensitive. I hope that you guys get a better feel for who I am now. I’m wearing a pretty dress. I don’t know if my coochie is showing right now or not. If it is, it’s cool, because I'm wearing God’s panties and my panties on top of them. Some of y’all don't get that joke, but you will later. I’ve got that throwback.

At the end of the day, I’m real happy to be here—that was too much? O.K., I don’t care. I’m a comedian. I’m going to say what I think. I love you too!

I hope everybody who’s in here has the most awesome 2018. I hope that your cycles come on time. If you don’t want it to come, I hope it don’t come. I hope every man in here is super-happy and super-rich, and if you’re not happy, change your thought patterns and start having happy thoughts. Because it’s your fault you’re not happy. Nobody’s in control of your emotions but you.

That’s what I learned from therapy. Years of therapy. You’re the only one that’s in control of your emotions; you’re the only one that’s inside of you at all times. So control you however you want to. If you’re not happy, that’s your fault. Change your mind, dammit.

That’s what I did. I just got me a better house in South Central L.A. No roaches, no rats. Cherry hardwood floors. That’s because my check came in. Does this come with a check? I’m going to show it to my grandma, and she’s going to be like, “Somebody write nice in calligraphy?”

I’m just reading what’s up here right now. I want to say thank you to Eric. Eric, I don’t know if you had anything to do with me getting this award. I don’t know how you feel about me standing here talking this long, and I don’t care. But I thank you. You were the first person to greet me when I walked into the room, and you smiled and looked me dead in my eyes and shook my hand. You weren’t afraid to talk to me.

The thing I hate the most is people that come up to me, and I can smell fear on them. It makes me want to fuck them up. I hate fear. I know fear is fuel for other things; fear will help you move toward something great. But don’t be trying to put that shit on me. Come up to me happy; come up to me with a smile; find your joyful self if you’re talking to me. If you coming up to me scared, it’s going to make me talk to you crazy.

Think of me as a wild dog, because I’m confident. I smile. Come up confident, and look me dead in my eyes, I’m going to be cool with you. Come up scared and act like a bitch, it’s how you’re going to get treated.

That might be too much information, but I don’t care. If this was a black party, everybody would be laughing. I’m teaching ‘all something today.

My name is Tiffany Haddish. I want to give it up to this lady back here. And to God, my grandma, my mama, my daddy, and everybody who taught me not to be afraid.