She’s got a key over here that looks like a heart, and I'm always holding my heart. For me, in this business—I’ve been doing stand-up comedy since I was 15. I’m 21 for the 17th year now. And I’ve been in a lot of different projects.

To get in Girls Trip was absolutely amazing. First off, I didn’t even know the movie was happening. I did a movie with Jordan Peele called Keanu, and we shot it in New Orleans, where I was a gangster chick. I was a different type of person, but the same. And I hung out with the crew. I always feel like when I work with people, I work with everybody—from the person that’s working the camera to the person that’s running the water to the person that’s putting the clothes on me, the person that’s combing my hair, my makeup, the person that’s like, “You gotta sign these papers.” I try to hang out with everybody. Because all of y’all make my money come through.

So now that I get to meet the critics, first off, thank you, guys. I don’t even—I don’t read reviews. I don’t. The most reviews you’ll see me read is something that either my publicist sends me and says, “Read this,” and I’m like, “You read it,” because if it hurt my feelings I’m going to cuss their ass out in my soul, and then I’m going to pray for them, and I’ll laugh. Because I’m super-sensitive. I don’t mean to be so sensitive, but that’s just who I am. And I'm not afraid to admit it.

And I know I’m going to do a lot of different things in this business. I’m going to be around here a long time. I’m going to be an old lady. I know some people in here are going to talk shit about me. It’s O.K. You know why it’s O.K.? Because you care enough to say something. If you didn’t say nothing, then you didn’t care.

So if you said something, thank you. I don’t care if it’s positive or negative. I appreciate you; I’m glad you see me. Because it’s been so many years nobody saw me.

When you’re a little kid going through the [foster-care] system, you wonder, “Does anybody even know I’m alive?” To be able to be this example to so many youth—there’s so many people like me that you guys have no clue about. But they coming. Because I kicked the fucking door open.

It’s going to be a lot of people that say what they think. It’s going to be a lot of people where [unintelligible] is normal, because they’re not holding back their truth. Stop holding your truth; speak your truth. Be yourself. It’s the healthiest way to be. Be who you are. Speak who you are. If don’t nobody like you, fuck it; there’s 10 other people that do. There’s somebody like you, and they need to hear you.

So, I’m always going to be me. I'm never going to be perfect, I’m always going to say what I think, and I might be messed up for it, but I don’t care.

And I want to give a special shout-out to all the people that supported me throughout all these years. My best friend, Selena. I’ve known you since we were 12 years old. I walked up to you like, “You’re going to be my friend” and you was like “What?” And you’re still my friend.

And she never tried to kick me to the curb, and that means she laughed at all my stupid jokes. Told me when I was doing too much, told me when I was doing just enough, and told me when to do more, and I appreciate you for that.

I want to say thank you to Malcolm Lee. You hired me for this job. I was like “For real? I’m going to get to do the grapefruit? Because I practiced that for years.” That’s how I got my first Corvette. So I knew if they hired me, I would do a good job, at least in that scene if nothing else.

And on the second day, he led me—he said, “O.K., you do the scene the way it’s supposed to be done, and then do what you want.” Then I did what I wanted, and I said a lot of things, and some things didn’t make it to the movie. And that hurt my feelings. And a lot of things made it to the movie that I didn’t think would ever make it to the movie. But can I share one scene with y’all that I really wanted to make it to the movie, but Universal said that they was afraid that women would actually do this shit? So they didn’t put it in there, because they didn’t want to get sued. Can I share that with y’all?

And I’m going to put this in my special, and I don’t care if somebody try to sue me, because they shouldn’t have been a cheating-ass mother.

So, there’s a scene where I tell Regina [Hall] all the things I would do for her, that I got her back, no matter what. I’m like, no matter what, I got your back. I’m talking Timberland boots, hot bricks—I don’t care. We’re going to give him some Ambien, night night. And then, when he sleep, we’re going to burn your name in his dick. And then we’re going to put mud and salt on it so it can keloid over, and then it will be ribbed for your pleasure. And then when he wake up, we’ll look him dead in his eyes, and we’ll tell him right to his face to keep your name out these bitches’ mouths.

Now, they took it out of the movie. But I like to tell everybody about it, because these are the things I think about at night. Don’t hurt my feelings, Michael B. Jordan. I’m just putting in my card, player. I’ll check your credit score, though, to make sure you qualify.

Moving on to thank-yous . . . I want to thank the loyalty of James Lopez, because I’ve seen you at comedy shows, and you say hi to me and don’t say nothing else. And then to be in this movie and see you, and you telling me about how you saw me at the comedy clubs all these years and didn’t never get me a job until now—that’s cool. It’s supposed to be now; it’s supposed to be now; it’s supposed to be now.

All these crew members from Keanu: let me tell y’all, that’s how I found out about the movie. So I did Keanu, and all the crew members—it was like eight of them—sent me the script for Girls Trip. We shot that in New Orleans. They sent me the script, and they say, “Girl, this is you. This is you last summer. You need to be in this movie. You need to audition for it.”

I tried to get an audition, and my agent is like, “Oh, they only want to see names.” And I said, “You tell them I’ve had a name since 1979, and it’s Tiffany motherfucking Haddish. You get me in there.” And they finally got me in there, and I did a pre-read, and another read, and another read—and finally I got to do the Skype audition for Malcolm, which I thought was crazy as hell because I’m used to Skype sex. So I didn’t know . . . it worked out good. I didn’t take my shirt off. Nothing inappropriate happened, so good job. That was a great joke; that was the truth.

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