15 Secrets From “Rocket Man” Kim Jong Un’s Inner Circle

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7. He Is Addicted To Swiss Cheese

When you look at Rocket Man’s physique, it’s pretty obvious that he isn’t eating Paleo and doing Crossfit. The story from inside North Korea is that his short, round physique is intentional. After all, his grandfather, Kim Il Sung, was built the same way, and he’s worshiped in the country. And because North Korean chicks are shielded from American media and therefore aren’t exposed to actual panty-dampening physiques such as those possessed by The Rock and such, it’s possible that they believe Kim Jong Un has the perfect body. But those who went to school with him in Switzerland for that brief time before he flunked out have another explanation. While he was there, he got hooked on (what else?) Swiss cheese and remains addicted to this day.

6. He Was Named The Sexiest Man Alive At Age 29

Even those of us who could not possibly care less about celebrity gossip occasionally get caught glancing at those rags they sell at the grocery store checkout line, the ones that report such hard-hitting breaking news stories as which starlet is still crying over a breakup from five years ago. Another contribution those publications make to the world of journalism is that all of them seem to know–although they rarely agree–who the sexiest man or woman is on the planet during any given year. One year, according to one publication, it was Kim Jong Un, of all people. That’s right, a magazine extolled the dictator’s “strong, sturdy frame” and “boyish charm,” calling him a “heartthrob” who is “every woman’s dream come true.” The newspaper was something called The Onion, which I’ve never heard Trump refer to as fake news, so it must be true.

5. He Punished A Ministry Chief For Showing Up Drunk To Kim Jong Il’s Mourning By Burying Him In Mortar

It seems that there was only one appropriate way to mourn the death of Kim Jong Il in North Korea—lots and lots of tears. One ministry chief took to the bottle the night of the dictator’s death, and when he encountered Rocket Man at his father’s official mourning the next day, he still had booze on his breath and appeared intoxicated. Did Kim Jong Un throw him in the drunk tank? Make him take a cold shower? Give him coffee to sober up? None of the above. Instead, he tried to up the punishment he meted out to his uncle. Ask yourself how you would rather die—by getting locked in a cage with a pack of hungry dogs or getting thrown into a pit of wet mortar and having it slowly harden over you?

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