How to End Your Dependence on Other People

Life

2. Separate Yourself

To separate means to form a distinct boundary between yourself and the other person. This can be done by separating physically, sexually, financially, or emotionally—what’s needed depends on the nature of the relationship.

If physical separation is not possible, limit the amount of time you spend talking to or interacting with this person. Focus on defining healthy emotional boundaries and living according to them.

Ultimately, the purpose of separation is to allow you to see yourself more clearly and to discover what is necessary for your own wellbeing. In the space created by the separation, you allow your inner self to speak. The distractions once created by the needs, opinions, thoughts and feelings of the other person will begin to clear away. You are finally able to distinguish what is authentic, true and honest for yourself.

You become aware of the needs that were once fulfilled by your dependency on the other person and discover ways to meet those needs for yourself. Maybe you were dependent on the other person to motivate you, soothe you, distract you from your problems or make you feel loved.
What do you do when this other person no longer plays that role in your life?

You learn to take responsibility for motivating, soothing and loving yourself. You can also begin to address the issues you once avoided and ignored. Separation allows you to truly experience your independence and to regain power over your choices, behaviors, beliefs and the emotional footprints you create and leave behind.

Paradoxically, the more responsibility you take, the more freedom you will have—the freedom to be yourself and to live your life purposefully.
You’re probably asking, “How long should I separate?”

This depends on the circumstances and the nature of the relationship between you and the other person. However, it needs to be long enough for you to identify and understand your own needs, opinions, thoughts and motivations independently.

For some this may take days, weeks, years or even decades. Others may determine in the course of separation that reconnection is not a healthy decision no matter how much time has passed.

A simple test is this; tune into yourself. What feelings emerge when you think about or interact with this person? If they are still predominantly negative or confusing, you may not be ready to reconnect.

If it is not possible to interact with the other person without losing yourself, evaluate whether this person deserves a place in your life at all.

3. Reconnect When You’re Ready

The final stage is reconnection. This stage involves ma

king new agreements and re-negotiating the roles within the relationship. These roles should be clearly stated and agreed upon by both individuals.
Questions to consider:

What behaviors are acceptable? Unacceptable?
What expectations will you hold of one another?
What consequences will there be if these agreements aren’t honored?

Having consequences in place is not an attempt to control or manipulate the other person. Rather, it is a matter of being extremely clear about what works and what doesn’t work. Once you communicate these expectations, the other person then has the power to decide whether they agree or not.

This process requires you to be completely authentic and to act with integrity. If something isn’t working for you and you accept it anyway, you are being dishonest with yourself and the other person. This often causes confusion and repressed anger.