After a nervous five-minute wait, I unpicked the still-warm goo from around the aliens. If anything was going to prompt the insemination of the baby, it surely had to be this.

But no.

The Norman Bates Method

It seemed nothing was going to work. I'd had it. I had failed. And now there was only one thing left to do.

There I was, a knife in my hands and true madness in my eyes. If the aliens could give birth, then surely it would make sense they would have them inside before you bought them. They were only toys after all.

I cut and cut and finally I had my answer: it was clear there was no way they could have ever given birth.

I looked down on what I had left of the aliens - in the process of trying to create life, I had instead caused death. Was this how Dr Frankenstein had felt when he looked at his monster? Or was the destruction itself a form of creation? Probably, but this was no time for reflection - I had my answer, the rumours had finally been laid to rest.

Can goo aliens have babies? Absolutely not.

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