It seemed so obvious - like humans, the aliens clearly needed a little rubbing together before they were able to procreate. With God and science on my side, I decided to act as the shadchan to the two aliens' love.

After the deed was done I placed them down in the shell, covered them back in the goo and gave them some privacy. Now all I had to do was wait for them to finish their post-coital spoon and presumably a baby would be born.

When I came back the follow morning, I unwrapped them.

Still nothing.

Microwave

(DISCLAIMER: LADBIBLE IN NO WAY ADVISES YOU TRY THIS METHOD AT HOME, IN FACT, WE ACTIVELY ADVISE YOU STAY WELL THE FUCK AWAY FROM IT. IF THE AUTHOR HAD BEEN SMART ENOUGH TO READ THE PACKAGING, HE'D HAVE KNOWN THAT. CHEERS.)

Though it had failed to get me any closer to my goal, rubbing them together had at least provided a light bulb moment in my mind. It occurred to me that there must have been something in it.

After all, why would they be any different from humans? It was heat they needed.

Heat and warmth and love and care - and there was only one place in the office they could find all that

Forum users told tales of explosions, fires, carcinogens and putrid smells - but what harm could a quick blast do?

When I opened the door it felt like I was entering a scene from a low budget, 80s sci-fi - a small amount of steam was coming from the egg and a weird fucking scent. I wanted to unwrap the aliens immediately but all I could find was a hot sludge, like lava or Steak Bake gravy.

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