A couple of months ago, I made the decision to end my financial dependence on my mother.

I had on eighty-four cents in my bank account, no place to live and the only income I had was from a part time job and a couple of freelance projects.
Though the timing may have been a bit dramatic, there was a sense of urgency in my decision. I was desperate to free myself from the cycle of repeatedly leaving home only to return with my tail between my legs and no money to speak of.

Each time I came home, my mother would offer to pay my bills and I would accept though we both secretly resented it.

I realized that I wasn’t living up to my greatest potential because I didn’t have to. I never stuck with anything for very long because I knew my mother would always be there to bail me out if I failed. When things became too difficult, boring or routine I could quit.
I did quit.

Not only was I taking advantage of her, I was sabotaging my own growth and personal development.

Establishing my financial independence from my mother meant no longer accepting her offers of assistance. It also meant pursuing my writing career in earnest to generate additional income. I walked the three miles to or from work to save money on gas and transit passes.

I slept on a terribly uncomfortable futon in someone else’s living room. At times, I didn’t eat for several days until my next paycheck arrived.
It was such a humbling experience and a lesson I hope I don’t have to repeat. But, I learned so much about who I am and what I’m truly capable of by challenging myself to become independent.

Establishing Independence

The relationship between a child and a parent is only one of the many relationships that may require one or both individuals to develop independence. Other examples include relationships between romantic partners and friendships.

Although every relationship has its own complexity, what I’ve learned is that there are three general steps on this path toward independence: declaration, separation and reconnection.

1. Declare It

The first step in the process is to declare your independence. Think of the declaration stage as severing the emotional umbilical cord. In this stage, you share your intent to become independent from the other person.
This declaration might be met with confusion, anger, sadness and a variety of other responses and emotions. Here are some things to remember when declaring your independence:

• Communicate your message confidently and assertively.
• Keep your message short and to the point.
• Use “I” statements to communicate that your decision is not about them, it is about you.
• Don’t feel the need to justify or apologize for your decision.
• Release the need to take responsibility for the other person’s response.

The actual content of the message can be relatively simple. Consider this example.

“I’m making some positive changes in my life though they may not be easy for me to make. I’m trying to take more responsibility for myself and my life. I want to be more independent and to discover who I am. I’ve been dependent on you for (insert specific information) and I need to step away from my dependence on you and step more fully into myself. My decision is not a reflection of you. It’s a statement about me and where I am in my life. So, for a period of time, I’m going to have less involvement with you.”

It is likely that they may ask you for a specific time frame; simply state that you will take as long as necessary to develop your independence and discover who you are.

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